Funny Jess

Jessie, my big, and I do mean big, sister makes me laugh. Not just because she’s a collie crossed with a whale, not because every time I walk past her she grabs my back leg (?), not even because when she runs she looks like she’s just escaped from a doggie lunatic asylum, with her stupid grinning face and tongue hanging out the side of her mouth; none of the above, yet ALL of the above haha. No, she makes me laugh because sometimes she point blank refuses to get out of bed for our morning walk. Unbelievable! Walks are the best things about being alive; along with food, treats, fuss, killing cushions, fighting, a good scratch and biting dad….in no particular order.

How could any dog refuse a walk? It’s not every morning but if there’s even a slight hint of rain in the air, that’s it; she either lies there like a bearskin rug, refusing to budge, or sits looking all haughty and turns away when mom tries to put a lead on her. Meanwhile me & Alf are bouncing off the walls going mental. I don’t care if the heavens open and we get soaked, I’m out there. Alf told me about something called snow which is really cold and freezes your paws and nose, but it’s really loads of fun to roll about in; I can’t wait!

If Jess misses the morning walk then she usually turns out for the afternoon walk when mom comes home (that’s right guys, TWO walks a day!) but still, giving up a walk is like giving up stealing dad’s slippers – not something I would ever consider.

I’m just being friendly

Today is a bank holiday so mom isn’t at work, dad’s complaining (as usual) because he works from home and says he never gets a day off. Even if mom is working, she always takes us out for an early morning run down the fields before she goes. I love the morning walks, the air is fresh and crisp and the grass is still damp from the morning dew. The only skins around have dogs with them too. A lot of the skins come out around the same time so the gang can all run together.

As I mentioned before, there’s a big pond in one of the fields and we race to see who can get to it first and go splashing. Alf usually wins as he’s crossed with a racing snake. There’s also a big horse trough which we drink from after a hard run, I can just about reach the water now.

Today was a good day because I made two more friends. Charlie was there with his dad and they’d brought along two young king charles spaniels who belong to Charlie’s dad’s daughter. She lives a long way away so I’d never met these two before.

I mentioned before how I love spaniel ears (it’s strange but Alf burst out laughing when I said I love chewing spaniel ears, but he won’t tell me why….wierdo!), and I’m always hanging on to Ellie’s, so when I saw these two king charles I charged like a mad moose at them. You should have seen their faces – they were terrified! I didn’t want to scare them I just wanted to get my teeth into those floppy spaniel ears (shut up Alf!) but they weren’t having any of it.

Eventually, after we all calmed down and we’d taken care of the butt sniffing and other formalities we got on a little better. I hope they come and visit again soon, I’ll try to be a bit less wild next time.

I’d better go because dad needs the computer and Alf is cruising for a bruising!


I’ll be a Batchelor Bones

You’ll remember from a previous post that I have a new friend called Riya, well Alfie is still ribbing me about her saying she’s my girlfriend; I want to state once and for all – I HAVEN’T GOT A GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Alf can’t bark though, he has got one, she’s a springer spaniel called Ellie and they run around the fields together like a pair of pups, neck & neck, all dewey eyed – it makes me sick. “Alfie and Ellie sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G” lol! Don’t get me wrong, I like Ellie because the thing about spaniels is they have the chewiest, floppy ears. She puts up with me hanging on to her ears, alot more than Jess does anyway.

Oh and on the subject of Jessie, she’s got a boyfriend called Charlie. He’s a big, black labrador from just down the road and they grew up together. They stroll around the field sniffing stuff together and generally hanging out.

It’s great living here, the fields at the bottom of the road, the park around the corner and loads of dogs to play with. Oh, gotta go, I think I just saw Riya out of the window.


Cats are pointless


Yesterday I went through a list of cats that really get up my nose, I hope you enjoyed reading it and I hope it served as a reminder of just how annoying cats can be, both on tv and in real life.

I mentioned yesterday how I have left the world’s two most pointless cats out of it: Raffles and Milly. I thought I’d show you a couple of photos of the sort of creatures they are.


This is Milly, a scruffy and skinny common moggy. Brought up in a Birmingham bin she learned to scavenge from an early age and as such obviously cannot be trusted.
As a cat she has no interest in running to fetch a thrown stick or ball and doesn’t seem to want to go for a walk – so why have a cat in the first place? She just follows dad around and sleeps all day. A pointless waste of fur if you ask me.
I’m shocked that dad seems so fond of her, I think she’s ignorant and rude. She’s probably got fleas too.


The other pain under the tail is the ginger good-for-nothing Raffles.
This is not the sort of cat you’d want to meet in a dark alley. As I have mentioned in a previous post, me and Raffles got off on the wrong paw from the first moment we met. Jess and Alf seem to think that Raffles is some kind of king of cats but I’m not impressed, it takes more than a big lump like that to get me scared.
Mom says that Raffles is handsome, but come on, look at that face, have you ever seen a more evil glint in an eye?
I’m a growing lad and one day me and Raffles are going to have a reckoning. I’m not sure if the house will still be standing when we’re finished but I promise you this: only one of us will still be standing!

Top ten most hated cats

Now I’m not going to include Milly and Raffles in this list because that would be pointless as you don’t know them and would only be taking my word as to what complete gits they are. So I’ve wasted valuable chewing time putting this list together of the most annoying cartoon cats.

10)  Tom from Tom & Jerry is one of the most tolerated cats on my list because the mouse makes him look stupid, and the dog batters him – the way things should be.







9) Sylvester is a fool who is always getting outwitted by a bird called Tweetie-Pie, for heaven’s sake! “I tort I taw a puddy cat.” Pathetic








 8) The Aristocats. Trying to make cats seem more human is wrong on so many levels, especially when it comes to courting. This is not a scratch on The Lady and the Tramp.






  7) Cats. A musical about cats? Skins actually paid to see this rubbish. In fact dad has never forgiven mom for making him watch this rot in London.









  6) Garfield. Always picking on the dog, if there was ever a cat that needed a bite on the butt, it’s this fat, lazy lump. Who ever heard of a cat eating lasagne?







  5) Heathcliffe. A poor mans Garfield?








  4) Snagglepuss. “Heavens to murgatroyd” it’s a pink mountain lion. I tried to stick to cartoon domestic cats, but this one just makes me growl.







  3) The Cheshire Cat. I’ve never been to Cheshire, but if all the cats grin like nutters then I don’t want to go.







  2) Puss in Boots. Who does he think he is? It’s Garfield with a sword. Mr in  Boots, trust me when I tell you that I would take that sword off you, insert it into your bottom and turn you into a big, fat, ginger lollipop.








  1) And the winner of the most annoying cat in the world, ever is…… Top Cat. Top of what? You live in a bin you four-pawed turd. If I ever find myself in your alley, you and your gang are looking for somewhere else to whine. An unfunny cartoon cashing in on the popularity of Sergeant Bilko in The Phil Silvers Show, similar to the way The Flintstones was a rip-off of The Honeymooners. Remember what I said about Hollywood having no fresh ideas? You can tell if something is not funny, they have to use canned laughter to remind the dumb skins at home when they’re supposed to laugh.


So there you have it, some of the most annoying cats ever to have been created. What a waste of time. Obviously you’ll have your own ideas and particular cats you loathe. Drop me an email at and I’ll post any lists you send me. Remember your top ten can be on any subject you like.

Be good!

















My new pal

Friends, I want to keep this short because dad is feeling a bit RUFF (get it?) and I’ve been a good dog looking after him. Lazy git been in bed for 2 days, but I’ve been trying to make up for a bit of chewing on various household items and furniture…ooops!

I’ve got a new friend. One of the dogs who runs over the fields at the end of the road is a German Shepherd bitch called Riya, she’s a little bit nervous and shouts at skins and other dogs. Alfie gets on with her, but Alf gets on with almost all the dogs, its just skins he doesn’t like. We have quite a little gang growing down there and I’m the newest member.

Riya is 18 months old I think and although I don’t reckon she’s fully grown yet, she’s already a big lass, especially to a little fella like me, so she can be a bit intimidating to others. The other day mom, Alfie and me were across the field when we saw Riya with her mom. She came barrelling across towards us, charging straight at me. I felt Alf tense up ready to protect me, big brother stuff – you know. I thought “no way mate, this one’s mine”; I steamed towards her, planning to run underneath her and trip her back leg before turning her over and taking out her throat, or something like that. I don’t care how big she is, she’s going to know she’s been in a fight when Bones starts – puppy power!

Just as we were about to crash into each other like a truck and a mini, and I was beginning to regret the plan to stage a head-on attack, she veered off. The wind as she passed nearly took me off my paws. I’ve got a fairly small turning circle so I was on her tail before she realised and closing for a cheetah style ankle-clip takedown. It was then I could hear her laughing as she ran and I realised all she wanted was someone to play with. Well, play we did, for about an hour we ran around the field chasing each other. She’s great. I saw her again yesterday and we flew around the field together like best mates.

The only problem is Alfie keeps making fun of me saying I’ve got a girlfriend. She’s not my girlfriend! OK????