Funny Jess

Jessie, my big, and I do mean big, sister makes me laugh. Not just because she’s a collie crossed with a whale, not because every time I walk past her she grabs my back leg (?), not even because when she runs she looks like she’s just escaped from a doggie lunatic asylum, with her stupid grinning face and tongue hanging out the side of her mouth; none of the above, yet ALL of the above haha. No, she makes me laugh because sometimes she point blank refuses to get out of bed for our morning walk. Unbelievable! Walks are the best things about being alive; along with food, treats, fuss, killing cushions, fighting, a good scratch and biting dad….in no particular order.

How could any dog refuse a walk? It’s not every morning but if there’s even a slight hint of rain in the air, that’s it; she either lies there like a bearskin rug, refusing to budge, or sits looking all haughty and turns away when mom tries to put a lead on her. Meanwhile me & Alf are bouncing off the walls going mental. I don’t care if the heavens open and we get soaked, I’m out there. Alf told me about something called snow which is really cold and freezes your paws and nose, but it’s really loads of fun to roll about in; I can’t wait!

If Jess misses the morning walk then she usually turns out for the afternoon walk when mom comes home (that’s right guys, TWO walks a day!) but still, giving up a walk is like giving up stealing dad’s slippers – not something I would ever consider.

I’m just being friendly

Today is a bank holiday so mom isn’t at work, dad’s complaining (as usual) because he works from home and says he never gets a day off. Even if mom is working, she always takes us out for an early morning run down the fields before she goes. I love the morning walks, the air is fresh and crisp and the grass is still damp from the morning dew. The only skins around have dogs with them too. A lot of the skins come out around the same time so the gang can all run together.

As I mentioned before, there’s a big pond in one of the fields and we race to see who can get to it first and go splashing. Alf usually wins as he’s crossed with a racing snake. There’s also a big horse trough which we drink from after a hard run, I can just about reach the water now.

Today was a good day because I made two more friends. Charlie was there with his dad and they’d brought along two young king charles spaniels who belong to Charlie’s dad’s daughter. She lives a long way away so I’d never met these two before.

I mentioned before how I love spaniel ears (it’s strange but Alf burst out laughing when I said I love chewing spaniel ears, but he won’t tell me why….wierdo!), and I’m always hanging on to Ellie’s, so when I saw these two king charles I charged like a mad moose at them. You should have seen their faces – they were terrified! I didn’t want to scare them I just wanted to get my teeth into those floppy spaniel ears (shut up Alf!) but they weren’t having any of it.

Eventually, after we all calmed down and we’d taken care of the butt sniffing and other formalities we got on a little better. I hope they come and visit again soon, I’ll try to be a bit less wild next time.

I’d better go because dad needs the computer and Alf is cruising for a bruising!

 

I’ll be a Batchelor Bones

You’ll remember from a previous post that I have a new friend called Riya, well Alfie is still ribbing me about her saying she’s my girlfriend; I want to state once and for all – I HAVEN’T GOT A GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Alf can’t bark though, he has got one, she’s a springer spaniel called Ellie and they run around the fields together like a pair of pups, neck & neck, all dewey eyed – it makes me sick. “Alfie and Ellie sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G” lol! Don’t get me wrong, I like Ellie because the thing about spaniels is they have the chewiest, floppy ears. She puts up with me hanging on to her ears, alot more than Jess does anyway.

Oh and on the subject of Jessie, she’s got a boyfriend called Charlie. He’s a big, black labrador from just down the road and they grew up together. They stroll around the field sniffing stuff together and generally hanging out.

It’s great living here, the fields at the bottom of the road, the park around the corner and loads of dogs to play with. Oh, gotta go, I think I just saw Riya out of the window.

 

Cats are pointless

Hiya!

Yesterday I went through a list of cats that really get up my nose, I hope you enjoyed reading it and I hope it served as a reminder of just how annoying cats can be, both on tv and in real life.

I mentioned yesterday how I have left the world’s two most pointless cats out of it: Raffles and Milly. I thought I’d show you a couple of photos of the sort of creatures they are.

Milly

This is Milly, a scruffy and skinny common moggy. Brought up in a Birmingham bin she learned to scavenge from an early age and as such obviously cannot be trusted.
As a cat she has no interest in running to fetch a thrown stick or ball and doesn’t seem to want to go for a walk – so why have a cat in the first place? She just follows dad around and sleeps all day. A pointless waste of fur if you ask me.
I’m shocked that dad seems so fond of her, I think she’s ignorant and rude. She’s probably got fleas too.

Raffles

The other pain under the tail is the ginger good-for-nothing Raffles.
This is not the sort of cat you’d want to meet in a dark alley. As I have mentioned in a previous post, me and Raffles got off on the wrong paw from the first moment we met. Jess and Alf seem to think that Raffles is some kind of king of cats but I’m not impressed, it takes more than a big lump like that to get me scared.
Mom says that Raffles is handsome, but come on, look at that face, have you ever seen a more evil glint in an eye?
I’m a growing lad and one day me and Raffles are going to have a reckoning. I’m not sure if the house will still be standing when we’re finished but I promise you this: only one of us will still be standing!

Top ten most hated cats

Now I’m not going to include Milly and Raffles in this list because that would be pointless as you don’t know them and would only be taking my word as to what complete gits they are. So I’ve wasted valuable chewing time putting this list together of the most annoying cartoon cats.

10)  Tom from Tom & Jerry is one of the most tolerated cats on my list because the mouse makes him look stupid, and the dog batters him – the way things should be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

9) Sylvester is a fool who is always getting outwitted by a bird called Tweetie-Pie, for heaven’s sake! “I tort I taw a puddy cat.” Pathetic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 8) The Aristocats. Trying to make cats seem more human is wrong on so many levels, especially when it comes to courting. This is not a scratch on The Lady and the Tramp.

 

 

 

 

 

  7) Cats. A musical about cats? Skins actually paid to see this rubbish. In fact dad has never forgiven mom for making him watch this rot in London.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  6) Garfield. Always picking on the dog, if there was ever a cat that needed a bite on the butt, it’s this fat, lazy lump. Who ever heard of a cat eating lasagne?

 

 

 

 

 

 

  5) Heathcliffe. A poor mans Garfield?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  4) Snagglepuss. “Heavens to murgatroyd” it’s a pink mountain lion. I tried to stick to cartoon domestic cats, but this one just makes me growl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  3) The Cheshire Cat. I’ve never been to Cheshire, but if all the cats grin like nutters then I don’t want to go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  2) Puss in Boots. Who does he think he is? It’s Garfield with a sword. Mr in  Boots, trust me when I tell you that I would take that sword off you, insert it into your bottom and turn you into a big, fat, ginger lollipop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1) And the winner of the most annoying cat in the world, ever is…… Top Cat. Top of what? You live in a bin you four-pawed turd. If I ever find myself in your alley, you and your gang are looking for somewhere else to whine. An unfunny cartoon cashing in on the popularity of Sergeant Bilko in The Phil Silvers Show, similar to the way The Flintstones was a rip-off of The Honeymooners. Remember what I said about Hollywood having no fresh ideas? You can tell if something is not funny, they have to use canned laughter to remind the dumb skins at home when they’re supposed to laugh.

 

So there you have it, some of the most annoying cats ever to have been created. What a waste of time. Obviously you’ll have your own ideas and particular cats you loathe. Drop me an email at bonesdiary@aol.co.uk and I’ll post any lists you send me. Remember your top ten can be on any subject you like.

Be good!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My new pal

Friends, I want to keep this short because dad is feeling a bit RUFF (get it?) and I’ve been a good dog looking after him. Lazy git been in bed for 2 days, but I’ve been trying to make up for a bit of chewing on various household items and furniture…ooops!

I’ve got a new friend. One of the dogs who runs over the fields at the end of the road is a German Shepherd bitch called Riya, she’s a little bit nervous and shouts at skins and other dogs. Alfie gets on with her, but Alf gets on with almost all the dogs, its just skins he doesn’t like. We have quite a little gang growing down there and I’m the newest member.

Riya is 18 months old I think and although I don’t reckon she’s fully grown yet, she’s already a big lass, especially to a little fella like me, so she can be a bit intimidating to others. The other day mom, Alfie and me were across the field when we saw Riya with her mom. She came barrelling across towards us, charging straight at me. I felt Alf tense up ready to protect me, big brother stuff – you know. I thought “no way mate, this one’s mine”; I steamed towards her, planning to run underneath her and trip her back leg before turning her over and taking out her throat, or something like that. I don’t care how big she is, she’s going to know she’s been in a fight when Bones starts – puppy power!

Just as we were about to crash into each other like a truck and a mini, and I was beginning to regret the plan to stage a head-on attack, she veered off. The wind as she passed nearly took me off my paws. I’ve got a fairly small turning circle so I was on her tail before she realised and closing for a cheetah style ankle-clip takedown. It was then I could hear her laughing as she ran and I realised all she wanted was someone to play with. Well, play we did, for about an hour we ran around the field chasing each other. She’s great. I saw her again yesterday and we flew around the field together like best mates.

The only problem is Alfie keeps making fun of me saying I’ve got a girlfriend. She’s not my girlfriend! OK????

Choosing the right puppy

Hi, remember the promise I made to share some of my wisdom on bringing up a perfect pup (like me)? Well that’s been sadly lacking in recent posts so I’m going to add another bit to it now.

We looked at making sure that you have the time, space and resources that you need to bring a dog into your household and your life. Now we need to think about the breed that will fill that space.

Considering the breed is an important part of the process as we are all different and present different charac….characteris…..we’re just different – ok? You have to consider the amount of exercise and grooming your dog will need. Also consider what size the dog is going to be when it has matured, if you only have a small living space then a Newfoundland or St. Bernard may not be right for you.

The best thing to do is go to the Kennel Club website where they have tons of information on buying the right puppy to suit your lifestyle: size, exercise and grooming requirements and breed information such as possible medical problems and temprement.

Choose carefully, your new best friend is going to be with you a while and you can’t trade them in for a different one if, when they grow up, they’re not what you were expecting.

Bones’ secret stash

Mom found my secret stash of toys at the bottom of the garden. I’ve been moving them up there one-by-one so that Jessie and Alfie, the faithful border binbags can’t keep stealing them and chewing them up. Fair enough, some of the toys were theirs in the first place but I like to cover all the bases.; the way I see it if you don’t respect your toys, you not entitled to keep them.

The problem is, as I’ve been moving them out I’ve been forgetting to go and play with them myself, so they were just sitting idle. I always say an un-used toy is a useless toy.

I’d nearly cleared them all out when last night mom came in with an armful of toys and laid them on the floor, it was like having a whole new toybox opened. I was surrounded by squeaky things, rubber rings and balls of different sizes, I ran from one to another, picking them up then putting them down again to grab something else. I spent about an hour taking them each to dad to show him; he’d wrestle it off me with loads of growling and head shaking (me not him) then throw it across the room, I’d chase it but then see something else I wanted to show him. It was a great game, the other two were taking toys but they’ll lose them soon when I start transporting them back up the garden.

I was hoping for more top tens to put in. Time to put your thinking collars on: send me your top ten on anything you want, I did my top ten dog idols, you can do the same, or anything else that tickles your fancy – footballers, singers, songs, food, drink, racing drivers, treats – anything!!! Send it to my email address bonesdiary@aol.co.uk and I’ll paste it into a post and debate it hotly.

Luv ya!

Bones the financial advisor

I can’t get my head around the world of finance. On the news they talk about stocks and shares, the cost of borrowing, interest rates, inflation and a debt crisis. I’m trying very hard to follow this and, I think, doing a pretty admirable job for a puppy. Then something always comes along that stumps me:

All these billions of dollars, pounds, yen, euros etc that change hands on the world’s stock exchanges don’t really exist. It’s just pieces of paper or numbers on a computer, it’s not real money. So how come everyone is so enslaved by this rubbish?

Countries are so weighed down by imaginary debt that their imaginary economies collapse, yet real skins suffer. The collapse causes a ripple effect which causes other imaginary economies to suffer because they lent imaginary money to the first country’s banks. This spreads wider and before you know it the world is facing a crisis both real and imaginary and everyone suffers.

You’re told the banks are so important that you need to put your hand in your pocket to pay for their mistakes, when their greed made them implode. You gladly gave them the money to prop them up. Now get prepared for them to dance the same steps again.

Now this might be a bit of a mad idea, and forgive me for this because I’m only a dog and it’s not really any of my business, but wouldn’t it be better just to set the gauge back to zero? Just wipe everyone’s slate clean. Skins, it’s not real! The bankers are ruining the world for you and you are taking it without asking why? Would the world suddenly stop if we said stop this imaginary paper trading and went back to proper trading? You know like they used to do since you monkeys first swung out of the trees and said to another monkey, “I’ll swap this pointy stick for one of your bananas.”

Rich skins are gambling with imaginary currency and bringing down entire nations, who suffers? You! You are enslaved by evil skins who push you around their chess boards and with a single tap on a keyboard can ruin your life forever. They give you a few luxuries such as a car, a stereo, a Blu-Ray player and a holiday in the costa del sol for a week or two and tell you to be grateful.

They show you pictures of poor skins starving in a distant land and tell you to be glad you’re better off than them, spare a few coins and go to bed happy that you have made a difference. What they don’t tell you is why these skins are suffering. They don’t tell you that the IMF and World Bank have made them borrow so much that their entire GDP can only pay for the interest each year, modern slavery. They don’t tell you that western governments support despots who pillage their own countries and commit horrific acts on their own citizens, and you pay for the arms that maintain this evil. Western governments do this to stop good skins from standing up and saying No! Good skins who would nationalize their country’s resources and use the money to feed and educate their skins, to build infrastructure and provide even the most basic human rights.

It’s your turn to say “NO!!!” Use the internet to educate yourself, find out what crimes are being committed by the elite. Start asking questions, start voting for change, start taking control of your own destiny, start demanding the freedom that is your right and should be held sacred. Start writing letters, start spreading the word, you can make a difference.

You are not alone.

But then I’m just a dog, what do I know?