Deodorant for dogs

Hiya folks, Bones here.

As you know, or may surmise, I’m a dedicated sniffer as most dogs are, but I’m confused about why skins spray stinky stuff called deodorant and perfume on themselves in an effort to cover their scent. Why would you want to mask your scent? It’s as interesting and as individual as ours.

Is it because you have a natural scent that is totally disgusting? It can’t be as bad as perfume and other fake scents you spray all over yourselves. It’s nasty, choking stuff.

Next question – why do the deodorants for men and women smell different? Male skins’ scents are nasty compared to that of the female, she has nice flowery smells. I think it’s because men are expected to smell bad. I can imagine the conversation in the deodorant factory lab, where they are trying to come up with new scents:

“What do you think of this one?”

“Phew, don’t smell like wild roses to me.”

“Ok, we’ll put ‘For Men’ on the label.”

“But it stinks bad!”

“Well, let’s market it as ‘Sport For Men’…..”

Why don’t they have deodorant for dogs? Well they do but it’s for deodorising a room rather than lifting our legs and spraying our pits. So basically, dogs have deodorant for where we’ve been while skins have it for where they’re going.

Exercise for dad

You skins don’t realise just how helpful a dog like myself can be. This morning dad was eating breakfast while watching some league cup highlights he’d recorded from last night, Alf was in his favourite place on the windowsill, guarding the house. Jess and I were locked in a battle to the death and we were loving every minute of it.

Eventually dad got a bit annoyed because we were making so much noise while he was watching football (but really because his team were knocked out of the competition) and he told us to behave; obviously we ignored him. He said we’d got until the count of 3 then he was going to get up. We looked at him for a second, stupid skin – dogs can’t count – then carried on fighting. “1….2….3 – right then!” He got out of his chair with a growl and Alf yelled “Get ’em dad!” Jess did her usual trick of sitting down and smiling sheepishly (shameful thing to do if you’re a sheepdog) and of course dad’s a big softy for that, but I tried to do a runner, hard to do when you’re laughing that hard but skins aren’t that quick and I was around him, under the coffee table and out the door before he could catch me.

I heard him heading back to his chair so I ran back into the living room. He turned and made a grab for my collar but again my superior reflexes kept me out of reach and I lapped the room while he shook his fist and threatenened to have my hide when he caught me, but dad you ain’t gonna catch me!

This time he was determined and followed me through the hall to the kitchen; if I go through the kitchen into the garden he’s got no chance…..ooops, back door’s shut. I turned around and there he was, towering over me like a huge towering thing. He lurched forward, “Gotcha, you little shite!” I went straight at him, feinted to the left then dodged right and I was past him. He turned and followed me into the hall again, his breath coming in gasps as he lumbered along behind me like an angry ogre.

I was already back in the living room again and gleefully lapping the coffee table like a furry olympian. Jess had hopped up onto the  settee, her and Alf yelling abuse at us both. Hapless dad filled the doorway, his eyes burning with hellfire, every sinew shaking. “BONES!!! STOP RIGHT THERE!” he thundered. Erm…

I paused only to see what his next move would be; he took a step forward and I shot around the back of the table once again. This was getting too easy, he was slowing down, if he slowed any more his engine would surely stall. I was getting too cocky by this point and darted towards him, intending to peel off at the last second. As I approached he started bending to grab my collar, the hand like a bulldozer’s shovel coming closer. I dipped a shoulder and went to change direction but disaster! The wood floor below me was too slippy and my paws couldn’t gain purchase. I was like Wile E. Coyote after running off a cliff: no matter how quickly my legs moved, I wasn’t going anywhere. The massive claw descended like a golden eagle’s taking a lamb and my collar was snared. Dad was breathing like Darth Vader with asthma by this time and I was still chuckling as I was led on the walk of shame back to my play pen.

Locked up now, I tried to look all sad and cute but I couldn’t hold it and just started laughing again. He wagged his finger at me but the words wouldn’t form between gasps for breath. He stumbled off to watch the rest of the football, he cast an icy glare at Jess and Alf and they were quiet – the creeps!

Dad should be grateful, that was probably the most exercise he’s had since…well….the last time he tried to catch me, I suppose. I’m only thinking of his health and well-being…….honest!  ; )

Sick puppy

I don’t know what I ate across the fields yesterday but I feel so rotten. I think I overdid it on the grass because I brought up a grassy knoll on the rug when I got home.

I didn’t eat my dinner yesterday, which mom was worried about because I love my food, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to fight the other two, I just sat there feeling sorry for myself. Jess came and nudged me with her nose to see if I was ok, but I just hadn’t got the energy to do anything.

Dad picked me up and I fell asleep on his lap. They were watching “The Walking Dead” on tv so when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was a zombie shuffling towards me! I wasn’t scared even though I’d never seen a zombie before, I growled a warning to it and everyone laughed. I was still half-asleep, I didn’t know it was on tv! Give me a break, I’m ill.

This morning I feel a little better, I managed a bit of my breakfast but as soon as dad left the room, the disgusting whale Jess charged over and stuck her fat face in my bowl, I grabbed her ear and pulled and a fight ensued: I must be feeling better.

I’ll get some sleep and I should be fit for a walk this afternoon, I didn’t go out this morning because my belly was playing me up a bit. I’ll be fine later though, perhaps I should lay off eating everything I can get in my mouth for a while. On that subject, every evening my dad goes into the back garden on slug patrol. He makes sure there are no slugs or snails around that we might eat, he says he wants to protect us from someone called Lungworm; I don’t know who Lungworm is but he sounds like a bit of a nasty character, so keep your dogs safe and watch out for this guy Lungworm – check this link out for more info:

Why can’t Bones drive?

I realise I’ve been quiet over the last few days and I apologise but there’s been things happening. Yesterday it was mom’s birthday, she was ** years old….can you imagine that? ** years old? That’s like almost ***! Dad took her out somewhere, grumbling to himself as usual I suppose, but he’s always grumbling about something. I think he was a bit disappointed that some stuff ordered as a present hadn’t turned up, so he went out and got her some flowers. Haha, he must have looked so silly walking along holding flowers like a big girl!

On saturday dad went out for the day with his friends, a group of ne’er-do-wells and hooligans the like of which even the devil wouldn’t cast his net for. From what I can gather, one day every year is “Karting Day”,  a day that dad gets so excited about he hardly sleeps the night before. Apparently these ruffians get together and drive go-karts like maniacs around a track just outside Tamworth, then it’s off to the pub for a few beers, then to another pub for food (that’s the main reason I want to join in), before away back to the first pub where they get drunk, argue about the result of the race and sing raucously and tunelessly along with the jukebox.

Dad no longer takes part in the race like he used to, but turns up to watch anyway – he says its almost as much fun watching the others. He also doesn’t drink as much as when he was younger so he tries to take it easy, but the other dogs told me he always ends up getting picked up by mom and coming home with a silly grin on his face. This time was no different, he came in looking like he’d been pulled through a hedge, grinning from ear-to-ear. He gave us dogs loads and loads of fuss, telling us we were the best dogs in the world and he’d never let anything happen to us and do we know how much he loves us? I’ve never seen him after he’s been drinking before because it’s only twice a year he does it – karting day and the xmas party – but it was hilarious.

I hope when I’m old enough dad will take me with him, I could take a bowl for the beer and sing along with the lads. Alf said dogs can’t drive but I think he’s wrong, and I’m going to prove it just as soon as my paws can reach the pedals.


A couple more photos for the ladies…

It seems that every time I post a photo of myself I get called adorable and cute and sweet etc. Well as you know, I’m a very modest little dog, shy and retiring (NOT!!!!) but I wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone by not showing an occasional shot. I’m including an extra couple of pics of Alfie who doesn’t want to be left out; unfortunately Jess is a funny old mare who refuses to have her picture taken, probably break the camera anyway!









Great photos from Cesar Millan

Check out these amazing photos from Cesar Millan the dog whisperer’s website:

Altogether now……aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Back to where the legend began

I’m excited, dad has told me that in the next week or two he’s going to take me back to the place i was born, to visit my family; my other family…my canine family. I`ll get to see my real mommy and daddy and granny and great granny. Obviously i know my two brothers have gone to live in other places and i do still miss them, but seeing my parents again is just…just…WOW!!!!!!!!!! I cant wait. Dad said he promised the nice lady, who my family live with, that he’d take me to visit so she could see what a top dog I’ve become, she won’t be disappointed.
Its a shame that Jessie the elephant and Alfie the racing snake dont have a family to visit, but they`ve got me and each other and they’ve got mom and dad who love us all…oh and the cats, almost forgot about those two, cats are a complete waste of fur if you ask me.