Scientist proves cats are criminals

The pioneering work of one brilliant scientist has at last isolated the gene that decides if a person is going to become a criminal, and found that it is a feline gene!

Professor Eman Puedam

The world of micro-biology has been rocked today by the news that a gene, believed previously to only be present in the DNA of cats, is the cause of all bad behaviour in humans. Professor Eman Puedam Fellow of the University of Brigadoon in Scotland (occasionally) said, “…cats and only cats are to blame for all the evil in the world. And they smell.” The British Prime Minister David Cameron called for calm as the nation took to the streets today to protest against these furry crooks; he said “I will of course look into these claims and if there is a case to be answered by cats and indeed cat-lovers, then answer it they shall.” He told the assembled press that anyone earning under the threshold of £26,000 p.a would not be allowed to keep a cat and would probably be imprisoned anyway for the good of the country.

In Washington, President Obama has announced that there is undeniable evidence that cats are being bred in Iran and exported to Hezbollah and others for use against Israel. He promised reprocussions if the UN cat inspectors are not allowed access to the cat breeding facilities in any country, in accordance with the guidelines set out in the Feline Non-Proliferation Treaty.


Meanwhile Vladimir Putin, who is widely suspected of once owning a cat while he was head of the KGB, has said that Russia will use their security council veto to prevent sanctions being imposed for alleged violations of international cat laws. The Chinese have, as yet, not made any comment but are believed to be monitoring the situation.

4 responses to “Scientist proves cats are criminals

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