For many years postmen around the world have complained about being the victims of dog bites, now I know why – because they BLOODY WELL DESERVE IT!!!!
I waited very patiently yesterday for the postman to arrive with what promised to be a bumper batch of valentine cards for the world’s hottest Border Terrier (what do you mean “who’s that?” It’s me!). I heard Alf call out from the windowsill guard post that the postman was approaching so I skipped into the hallway; I sat back from below the letterbox, I didn’t want to be crushed by the avalanche of cards I was expecting. The letterbox opened and onto the floor fell one envelope clearly marked with the name of an electricity company. I was a little surprised but waited for the rest of the delivery, “He must be struggling to get them all out of his bag,” I confided in Jess as she lumbered past on the way to have her latest sleep. “Whatever,” she mumbled yawning. He’s taking his time though, “Come on postie,” I called out.
“He’s gone,” said Alf.
“Yeah right, he’s just outside, it must be a load of cards, that’s all.” I carried on watching the letterbox.
“He’s two doors down now Bones.” Alf must be lying.
But the letterbox didn’t open again. Dad came past and picked up the electricity bill just as I had resolved to chew it up, he scratched my ear. “You ok boy?” He asked me, obviously as worried as I was about the lack of envelopes addressed to Bones. I looked up at him and said “Dad I think the postman has made a mistake, I was expecting at least 500 valentines cards and none of them have arrived, do me a favour and catch him up, see if he’s got them at the bottom of his bag?” I don’t think he understood me as he said “good lad” and disappeared into the kitchen, following the now snoring Jess. Stupid skins.
I went into the living room to talk to Alfie, “What do you reckon happened Alf? How could he have made such a mistake?”
“No mistake stumpy, there just weren’t any cards for you.”
“Don’t be daft, course there were. Why wouldn’t there be?”
“Cos you’ve got a face like a monkey?” By this time Alf had rolled onto his back and was laughing his thick head off. He soon stopped laughing when , with a growl, I clamped onto his leg.
I don’t know why I didn’t get any cards, maybe the postman is incompetent, maybe it’s a conspiracy and the postman threw them away because all postmen hate dogs, or maybe nobody loves me afterall.