It’s not the end of the world dad

Bonesdiary has yet again had to take a back seat as it wouldn’t be possible to pry my dad away from his beloved computer with a crow bar. Today mom was using it to do some geneology research, finding out about her family on her dad’s side. Some of them appear to have gone from a place called Ukraine to a place called Canada, like 100 years ago or something which was before even my dad was born!

Anyway, while mom was tapping away, dad was pacing like a caged tiger, he tired of that and eventually sat down. I could still hear him grinding his teeth from where I was sat watching him. I told Alf that he would be on a diet of soup if he carried on grinding, his teeth would wear down to nothing. Alf said I should take his mind off things by pulling the bottom of his jeans or widdling up his leg. Jess stirred enough to tell me not to bother, just as I was about to make my way over to dad. “He’ll kill you; not just wave a finger and tell you off, not just chase you out of the room, you will cease to exist!” As regular readers of bonesdiary will know, I’m rather fond of being alive, maybe I’ll follow big Jessie’s advice for once.

When mom finished what she was doing she alerted him to the fact that the computer was free. Dad had given up and decided he didn’t want to use it after all. All that moaning for nothing. He went off muttering about she had her own netbook, why couldn’t she use that….whole day wasted…more important things….blahblahblah. Well if you don’t want it dad! While he’s in the kitchen boiling the kettle to make some tea and bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders I’ll nip in and do a quick post – hurray!!! He’ll be back sunshiney and happy once he’s had his fix of tea.

One thing I noticed in the news is that the world is no longer in imminent danger of ending on 21st December 2012. Phew that’s a relief, I loved christmas so much last year that I would be a bit peeved if that was the only one I’d ever get to enjoy. Apparently some excavations have revealed Mayan paintings on the wall of a house in the jungle that date back before this codex thingy that everyone got all worked up about, and it disproves the calender ending/world ending tosh. The calender in our house ends every year but the world keeps spinning and everythings just fine. Read about it here:

Why are skins so negative? They’re always looking for signs that the world is coming to an end: Nostradamus said this and some astral alignment means that, wars and rumours of wars, the bible says the end is nigh. These things that will “come to pass” are the same things that skins have been looking for since they first swung out of the trees. Skins: it’s ok not to worry. Nobody knows how long they’ve got, so why waste this brilliant life with negative thoughts? Enjoy this moment, this now. It’s yours to do what you want with. You get some skins who punish themselves for being alive, ohhh I am so unworthy. Treating yourself like that because you’ll earn a place in heaven makes absolutely no sense, what if there is no heaven? What if this is all we get? What if heaven is here? Then what is the sense of denying yourself?

The way I look at it is, if there is such a place as heaven, the best way to get in is to just be a nice guy and kind to others, no matter who they are. That’s all – you’re in. Oh and by the way, there’s no mention of dogs having souls, so does that mean we’re barred from entering the kingdom? Ah well my friends, I might as well enjoy what time I’ve got left, hopefully way past December 21st.


Bones on high

Its about time: that fake tree is gone and Bones’ racetrack is officially open for 2012. Free at last, free at last. I’ve been lapping at a tremendous rate and I think I’m back up around my pre-christmas times already. One added element that I’m quite pleased with is one of the chairs blew over in the garden during the recent high winds and dad hasn’t righted it yet, so it has created an extra obstacle. I find that if I go into it fast enough and dip my shoulder at just the right time, I can slingshot off it and head for the kitchen door; I am launching myself over the step from a bit further back now so I don’t lose momentum and don’t break my stride, like a hairy hurdler. I remember when I was that small I had to be lifted over that step.

After my run I’ve started getting up onto the windowsill where Alf likes to guard the house; now I’m a big lad I think  it’s only fair for me to help with home security and keep a watchful eye on the street. I climb up from the arm of the sofa and behind the curtain, problem is I can’t get back down. The curtain swings back and I can’t see the arm to step back down on. Alf jumps down but my legs are stumpy compared to his, so it’s a bit of a long drop. Dad tells me off when I get up there, he thinks I’m crazy enough to try jumping down but forget that. He comes and picks me up and puts me on the ground but its not long before I’m back up there; if I’m getting down then I’ll choose when.

Skinny Alf told me that dad doesn’t want me to jump because I could break all my legs and if that happens the vet will cut them all off and feed them to stray cats, then I’ll have to go on a cart when it’s time for a walk. I hope that’s not true, if I haven’t got any legs, how will I have a scratch?

Dad’s xmas party

I told you all about Karting Day in a previous post, my dad and his hooligan friends drinking far too much and getting rowdy. That’s a tradition that has been going on for quite a few years as I understand it; the other annual tradition that this infamous group of rascals indulge in is the xmas party. It’s variously known as “The Big Boys Christmas Party” or “The 5 o’clock Club Christmas Party” among others but every year they get together on a day/night between boxing day and new years eve. Dad has only missed one when he had to attend a wedding in South Africa, but when he got back they had another xmas party in mid-january so he didn’t miss out. They start about 4 in the afternoon and then it seems it goes on until the last man is standing. This year, apparently it carried on until 1am before the bar staff had had enough and closed the pub.

My dad doesn’t drink as much as the others all year and only gets drunk on this night and of course Karting Day, so he was home by 10pm. Mom had to go and fetch the drunken fool, and in he came in a dishevelled state. His grinning face all pink and he was slurring his words as he told us what great dogs we were. Yeah thanks dad, just go to bed.

I heard a story about him and his mate when they went to Nepal a few years ago, they sat there in a place called The Last Resort and drank beer for 13 hours solid! The next morning, despite staggering around under the crushing weight of the worst hangover in history, they went white-water rafting!!!!!

Jingle Bones

What a mad day! We’ve been out for two walks today & seen loads of our friends in the fields; we love running in  a pack. Mom and dad went out for a while to see auntie Teresa and left us to sleep off our first walk. When they came back we went out for our second walk.

When we got back, dad came down the stairs with some large bags, Jess and Alf were getting all excited which made me excited too, although I didn’t know what I was getting excited about… hehe. In the bags were presents! hooray!!!! We had toys, rawhide bones and duck wraps (my very favourite treat). Jess had a new bed to put in her cage, and you know what? She hasn’t come out since! She climbed in, head down and went to byebyeland. Me and Alf have raced around the house and jumped all over the furniture pulling the toys and fighting like a pair of loony dogs. I enjoyed the day so much I can’t tell you, it’s been wonderful.

I can’t spend too much time writing because I’ve got another fight with Alf pending and I can’t leave him waiting – he might start without me.

I just want to say thank you to all my friends who have been reading my inane drivel for the past few months. I hope you enjoyed xmas as much as me and I hope the new year brings great things for all of you. Spare a thought for all those who are lonely, hungry and cold this year and pray that they find comfort. Love to you all – Merry Christmas.

Gotta go – Alfie’s waiting…….

Poor little Bones

I should have learnt from last time – but you know what it is like when you’re young….

Bones’ belly has been a bit upset for the last couple of days, I haven’t really felt like blogging, I haven’t eaten anything and I puked my guts up a few times. Sorry if that’s too graphic an image for you but it’s true. I have been a poorly little man. Remember a while ago when I ate something I shouldn’t and it made me sick? Well I think this time it was the rug in the living room that I’ve been nibbling away at; it could be the digusting tasting fake pine cone on the stupid xmas tree; it may have been something I chewed over the fields, but whatever did it to me I should have known better that to eat it. Mom and dad are constantly telling me off for eating bad things but I admit I am a bit headstrong.

After a couple of days of not being able to even look at my food and just eating chicken and rice that mom cooked for me along with the odd gravy bone, which I love, I couldn’t even eat them. My dad said he worries when I don’t take a gravy bone (and at least two of his fingers) when offered, so it was off down to the vet. I don’t mind going to the vets because they treat me really well and give me loads of fuss, plus it is at the back of the pets at home superstore so I know I’m getting a poorly present. The vet we saw was Maggie, a really nice skin who originally comes from a place called Poland but I don’t know where that is, it might be past the far side of the fields. Maybe I’ll go have a look for it one day if all the skins there are as nice to me as Maggie is.

I didn’t enjoy this visit to the vet though. She squeezed my stomach and stuck an univited finger where the sun don’t shine….OOOF. Then she scrunched up the scruff of my neck and stuck not one but two needles in me! ooowwwwww!!!! One of them really hurt me as it felt so cold it was almost like a burning sensation. Jessie has two injections per day and it doesn’t bother her, but my hide is alot tougher than the skin on a collie so I was surprised by the pain it gave me. I tried to be brave but it really hurt and when mom put me on the floor I went into the corner and curled up: I just wanted to be on my own for a while.

When we got home Skinny Alf and Chubby Jess came over to see if I was ok, they licked my face and told me they’d look after me. I told them I didn’t need looking after but I was glad they were there all the same.

It’s the next day now and I feel right as rain, I’ve eaten a bit of food and had a fight with Alf over a toy so things are back to normal. I even ate my nice chewy tripe stick that mom got me as a poorly present for when I felt better. Just glad I’m ok in time for my xmas dinner.

Their snow business

It finally happened, the snow came! Although there wasn’t alot of it, Alf told me it was much deeper last year, the world was white when we went for a walk yesterday morning. HURRAY

Mom drove down to the fields because she said the pave ment was a bit slippy and we’d pull her over in our excitement. And excited we were, we couldn’t wait to get out in it. When mom opened the car door we scrambled over each other to get out and make the first paw prints. I didn’t mind that it was a bit cold on my paws and that my nose was getting frozen as it ploughed a little furrow. I loved it, jumping in frozen puddles and hearing the ice crack, picking up chunks of ice and feeling the cold on my tongue; this was a winter wonderland.

We met some other dogs and went running with them, one of them was Theo, a black labrador who lives in our street but we didn’t know the others; don’t matter – new friends are as new friends do. (Does that even make sense?) One of the strangers was golden lab and the other was a beagle. We ran round and round the field together at top speed, all of us trying to keep up with Skinny Alf, even Chubby Jess was putting in a shift at the back with that manic grin on her face and her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth.

Things turned a bit sour when Alf and the beagle had a falling out over something and nothing, it ended up with Alf pinning the beagle to the ground with teeth bared and gums showing. I growled at the labrador to keep out of it, but it was quickly broken up by mom. I don’t know what this beagle had said to Alf to make him angry because Alf is normally quite placid. It was soon forgotten though and we carried on with our mad dash around the fields. All the joy of being alive warming our wet bellies.

As I write this, I can see out of the window from my position on dad’s desk, the snow is almost all gone already. Shame, it was great fun while it lasted, but Jess thinks there will be more snow on the way very soon.

Stupid christmas tree

I don’t like it, I’ve told the others I don’t like it and now I’m telling you: this tree is stupid. For one thing it’s too big, they’ve put it the other side of the coffee table – right in the middle of my racetrack. I go bombing around that table two or three times a day, out through the hall, into the kitchen, and into the garden, three laps of that then back into the house and around the coffee table a couple more times. Its my training course, now that stupid tree is there and my course is ruined.

They’ve not put lights on it because they think I’ll electrocute myself when I widdle up it. They’ve hung things like little wooden soldiers, fairies and a glass slipper but all out of my reach, there are fake pine cones that honestly taste disgusting and theyve put these glass balls on it of different sizes. One of the larger ones on the lowest branch contains a dog that wants to fight me but I can’t get to him because he’s inside this shiney gold ball. I think he’s a Border Terrier like me but his face looks funny, sort of warped. He looks like he’s barking at me when I bark at him but he doesn’t make any sound, I’ve tried biting his nose but this gold ball swings away and then comes back to hit me on mine. The dumb collies think it’s funny when I try and fight this other dog but I don’t care.

Stupid tree, stupid collies, stupid gold dog, STUPID CHRISTMAS!!!!! Bah humbug!

All Bones wants for xmas

Skinny Alf and Chubby Jess have been telling me how excited they are about christmas celebrations which are approaching fast. They said that mom will be putting a tree in the house; I said there’s no dirt in the house to put it in, they’d be better off sticking it in the garden. They said it was a special kind of  tree, this one wasn’t real: “what? Like an illusion?” They rolled their eyes as if I was being thick, “Bones, don’t be silly it’s a tree but a fake one.” “Uh? What’s the point of a fake tree,” I wondered. “They can’t have a real one because the needles fall on the floor and you’d get them in your paws and up your nose and you’d eat them because that’s what you are like.” Jess told me haughtily. “Needles? Trees grow leaves not needles!” I yelped in horror, imagining a tree full of syringes like mom uses to give Jess her insulin. They looked at each other then back at me, Alf burst out laughing but Jess just groaned.

I worry about this needle tree, if I’m going to cock my leg up it then there is a strong possibility I could do myself some real damage!

From all the information I’ve been able to gather, it seems that christmas is a time for tearing brightly coloured paper and running around with bits of sticky tape on your fur. You get presents, I love presents. Mom and dad went out on sunday morning and came back with the bags they get from the pet superstore. They wouldn’t let us see what they had bought so I’m surmising that we’ve definately got presents coming. I saw a big thing that they carried in which I was excited about but its not for me, Alf told me it was for the cats to sharpen their claws on; I really don’t think that’s a good idea. If the evil Raffles sharpens his claws, guess whose hide they end up in?